TAINTED WITH MADNESS an obernewtyn chronicle fic
by morgy
Summary: Russshton, Russshton where are you????
1. Russsshton

TAINTED WITH MADNESS  
  
  
  
We must warn you that once you start reading, the madness will overtake you and you will be filled with inner confusion and eventually EXPLODE.  
  
Oh, and we're not using these characters or anything... because we ARE these characters.. right then...  
  
(only for Obernewtyn chronicle lovers) MWAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
.........Obernewtyn has never been so screwed........  
  
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Rushton was mad. No, not because he had finally found out that Elspeth had wanted Freya all along or because he had just sat on a hedgehog. No, Rushton was mad because he had a drug problem.  
  
Rushton was addicted to spiceweed.  
  
Enoch was his dealer. Actually, originally it came from the Guanette birds who sat in the clouds all day long because they were also addicted.  
  
"Nee!" Rushton yelled. He had forgotten to do the special spiceweed dance. It involved taking spiceweed then running around in circles and hitting rocks with his head. He was supposed to do it at the special time of 3:58 in the morning.  
  
"Oh well," he sighed and took out his spiceweed handbook. It told him that if you missed the 3:58 morning dance you could always do it at 3:59. Rushton did this. It took 5 seconds. He then felt tired. He decided to run around the technoguild caves 23 times before going to bed earlier than usual.  
  
Pink for flower. A random thought appeared in Rushton's head. Right... he thought back.  
  
His thought flew him to the mountains where he used to live with Alexi. They used to be lovers but Alexi had a desire to kill Rushton and he was offended so he said, "If your going to be mean to me I'm not going to be your friend anymore!" and he left him. He then rode the mountain tops on his pony Matalamoo for the rest of the winter.  
  
Rushton's thought came back to the present where he was absent-mindedly picking hedgehog spikes out of his bottom. "Where am I? What am I doing?" Rushton was momentarily lost.  
  
In front of his eyes appeared Maruman. "Will you join me?" asked the cat. "I will always join with you Maruman," answered Rushton. Maruman looked away in disgust.  
  
"Look, your doing that thing again!" Rushton yelled. "What thing?" Maruman answered innocently. "Where you like ignore me and be mean to me and stuff.." Rushton cried (literally).  
  
He ran away, weeping, into an approaching firestorm. Maruman faded into the night. 


	2. Another love triangle

Meanwhile, Elspeth was walking alone (as usual) when she saw an approaching firestorm. She screamed like a man and ran like a tree- she was 'rooted' to the spot. Suddenly she turned into a foo bird and was able to fly away. Unfortunately people can't turn into foo birds and fly away so she was imagining it.  
  
As she woke from her daydream she heard the firestorm sizzling and a voice that she recognised as Rushton's child swearing (damn!) and wailing like a baby.  
  
Rushton's tears had put out the firestorm.  
  
He went to sit on a rock by himself.  
  
Elspeth hit her head with her hand. Rushton had become an annoying baby ever since he had become addicted to spiceweed. She went to talk to her understanding lover, Freya.  
  
"Yes I know he's a baby. I tried to help him with his problems but he took it as a sign of affection so I left him to it."  
  
"Yes that's when I thought that the world had ended, Freya my love, because I thought you had rejected me."  
  
"Yes, I was rejecting you. Remember you were going through that 'I'm going to save the world phase?'"  
  
"But I am going to save the world," Elspeth whined.  
  
"Urgh. Go back to Rushton."  
  
"INSULT!" Elspeth joked.  
  
"I wasn't joking," Freya replied and she departed.  
  
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. MY LIFE HAS ENDED! I have to go back to Rushton!!! Nooooooooooooooooooo!"  
  
Freya came back for a second. "SHUT UP!" she yelled and departed for the second time that day. 


	3. Horny beast

Matthew is still on his slave island, (Red Queen's Land). He is now a man, not a boy-man thing. He has married the evil beast that lives in the Red Queen's Land because it reminded him of Dragon.  
  
Unfortunately, all the beast can say is "Moo" and "You horny devil" which Matthew took as meaning the beast loved him so he is LIVING A LIE!!!!!!!  
  
Anyway, Dragon travelled back to the Red Queen's Land in the illusion that her mother still lived there. This caused complications with the Matthew, beast thing and now they are a backstabbing love-triangle.  
  
Matthew and Dragon are sitting together.  
  
"You know Dragon, she is such a slut. I mean she keeps trying to hit on me!"  
  
"You horny devil," and Matthew and beast rolled into their pit for a bit of.... 


	4. Big, fat, lazy, crusty old men and a fir...

Over to Brydda and his rebel group who were relaxing in front of the T.V- where did they get that from? and were slowly becoming drunk on Sador beer.  
  
They were also reading Beforetime porn magazines which they found in the old library/cellar thing.  
  
"Malik, pass me margarine."  
  
"Didn't you forget the the?"  
  
"NO"  
  
"Right... Oh and why did you want margarine?"  
  
"It tastes nice with the T.V." said the White Lady  
  
"You shouldn't watch too much T.V. , you'll get square eyes," Malik tsk tsked.  
  
The white Lady turned to Malik.  
  
"But I already do" She stared at Malik without blinking.  
  
If you have ever been stared at by a person with square eyes who doesn't blink you will know it is a very creepy thing.  
  
"Ooooo.creepy." everyone whispered.. and then they went back to the T.V.  
  
"So Brydda, where did you say that you got this strange contraption that you call a um.. Tea leaves?"  
  
"Urgh T.V. You stupid Sadorian," Brydda grunted, and dropped to the ground because of his inner confusion.  
  
"eeeewooooeeeewwooooooo"  
  
"FIRE DRILL!" yelled Jakoby. "Everybody out!"  
  
Everyone ran out with the exception of Brydda who was writhing on the ground with inner turmoil.  
  
"Wait!" the White Lady cried, "We must save the T.V.!"  
  
Everyone stampeded back in (over Brydda) to save the sacred T.V. 


	5. Rushton's fan club

Domick, Roland, Maryon and all of Rushton's fan club have for the last three years been trying to get Rushton to power in Obernewtyn. They've recently realised that he is in power and now they have no lives. Oh sorry, Domick is stuck in some Sutrium hole in mortal danger and working out that destroyer Ariel is working for the council and Herder Faction but everyone knew that anyway. He is also isolated because he is cut off from Rushton and the rest of the world- LONER. But this story is about the lives of Roland, Maryon, Kella, Miriam and all those other people.  
  
Miriam came rushing in the door.  
  
"Aha! I am the generous and charitable and loving and protective...knight and all yous peoples must kneel before me otherwise I will take your eyes and stick them on my knees!  
  
A shocked silence followed- or maybe not so shocked. Just a silence because there is noone in the room.  
  
Ah well, no welcome party from my fellow peoples even if I was terribly heroic in taking my dead wannabe lover back to Sador, Miriam thought.  
  
Roland entered and slammed the door behind him.  
  
"Miriam! What have you done with him?!"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Straaka- my flower, my popsicle!"  
  
"Well..I.Hey! Why do you care?"  
  
"Because Straaka was my lover- not yours. The bonding present was for me. He just gave it to you so you could give it to me. "He wanted me all along, damn it!"  
  
"No, actually," said Straaka who popped up from behind a couch. "I wanted Rushton."  
  
"Yeah, everyone wants Rushton," Miriam and Roland joked, (It was an in-joke at Obernewtyn).  
  
Then Roland, realising that Straaka never wanted him, said "Oh, shit!" and disappeared, blushing.  
  
Straaka threw himself on the ground, spewed up blood and screeched "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"  
  
Hahaha...  
  
"Lame arse," Miriam said.  
  
And then Straaka died. Well that's strange because we all thought he had already died. Ah, who cares, it's only Straaka. 


	6. The real story about their 'powers'

I must tell you that no-one has or has ever had any powers- it all developed from Rushton calling Elspeth a fast eater and therefore thinking she was special.  
  
Fast eater- Farseeker  
  
Hahaha...  
  
So all the other powers were made up by some other loony person.  
  
They could have appeared to have powers to other people because, unknown to them, they have drug- tainted soil which they grow their crops in. Haven't you wondered why they grow their own crops and live alone, surrounded by deserted mountains?  
  
Yes, well, I can't answer that except to say that they were loners and were addicted to soil- their soil- yummy....  
  
Right..... 


	7. Rushton, Elspeth, SADor and the mongoose

By popular demand, I will now return to Rushton. We found Rushton splashing in his waterhole and singing a pleasant multiplication-table song.  
  
Elspeth walked by. "Shit, It's Rushton. Got to hide!" But unfortunately he saw her.  
  
"ELSPETH!" Rushton ran to Elspeth.  
  
"Quick! If I can't see Rushton he can't see me." Elspeth covered her eyes quickly...and disappeared.  
  
"Hey, where did she go?" Rushton pondered....he pondered.....like a polar bear.hoo roo....anyway....Back to Elspeth.  
  
Elspeth had vaporised. Back to Rushton. After doing a happy little polar bear dance he went back to playing with rubber duckie. (  
  
Back to Elspeth. Have you seen the movie Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where that guy gets put into a million pieces and shrunk and there's that strange "doo-a-doo-doo" music, well that's basically what happened to Elspeth.  
  
"Help me!" she cried and then a giant toe came into view. It was rather dirty and smelly and Rushton's. not good. She was going to be squished by a giant toe.  
  
And no, she did not escape the giant toe. She was squished by it.  
  
"Elspeth, NOOOOOO!!!!" Rushton yelled..because Elspeth had just bitten him with her flat mouth.  
  
"Yum, blood," Elspeth said, her voice muffled.  
  
"Ewww, Rushton's dirty toe!!!" yelled Freya who had appeared out of the red.  
  
"Yum," whispered Elspeth, "I shall become vampire queen! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!"  
  
"No! Where's Buffy?" Cried Freya..anyway.....  
  
Freya had actually come to bid Elspeth a sorrowful departure as she was moving to Sador.  
  
"No! Not SADor!!!" Elspeth cried criedly, WAHHHH..."  
  
(Did you know that the people who first colonised Sador didn't know the word for happy?)  
  
"Fuck it all," Elspeth said, "I hate you! I am actually a small carnivorous animal called a MONGOOSE."  
  
Then the ABC man came and captured the mongoose for an ABC show on families in the Simpson Desert. Freya hid her happiness (very very happiness) and wailed to noone in particular.  
  
She thought "Hey, why am I wailing? I'M SINGLE...(no, not again because she was married at birth)." (scene from Austin Powers 2, you know the one in the beginning, oh well, Freya dancing naked through the caves, ewww...)  
  
"TIPTOE THROUGH THE TULIPS!" she sang. 


	8. Swallow's wet dreams and the Popsicle ma...

Swallow was hallucinating. He imagined that Elspeth was bonded with him and went into spasms of longing and started wanking himself.  
  
He thought back to that day when he had seen her at a market and he had tried to crack onto her. She protested at his kiss and he had pretended that some bird had told him to do it. He felt guilty about lying to his one true love. His popsicle. She had believed his story. Oh well, that was good he supposed.  
  
He was glad that he was D'rekta. That meant that all of his clan helped him when he thought up plans to get Elspeth.  
  
At their last meeting, he had told her that they would meet again soon, hoping that she would remember this and try to find him.  
  
"Chop-a-chop, chop-a-chop," he called to his horse. But his horse didn't come, his house did.  
  
"Oh, right, I wonder..." He thought, jumped on the roof and rode away. He was going to visit his Popsicle.  
  
"Hello. I am a Popsicle. I will listen to what you say and nod appreciatively" said the Popsicle man.  
  
"Hello, I am looking for Elspeth Gordie," Swallow told him. The Popsicle man smiled and nodded appreciatively.  
  
"I love her!" he cried and broke down crying.  
  
"Really, are you sure?"  
  
"Yes!" he sobbed and snuffledsnoffled. The gingerbread man started to nod and smile.  
  
"Why do you do that?" snuffled Swallow. He nodded and smiled more.  
  
"STOP IT!" Swallow cried. "I'll rip off your head!" the nodding and smiling didn't stop.  
  
"Argh!" he grabbed the gingerbread/Popsicle man's hair and pulled. It came off along with a suit. The gingerbread/Popsicle man was a nodding dog (the ones you put on the dashboard).  
  
Swallow put this on the dashboard of his horse.  
  
Suddenly Elspeth appeared...  
  
"Elspeth! Do I look alright nodding dog/gingerbread/Popsicle man?" The nodding dog/gingerbread/Popsicle man nodded.  
  
"Good," swallow swallowed a swallow, "That's alright then". Elspeth scowled. "NO!" she yelled.  
  
"YES!" Swallow yelled back.  
  
"I meant no, you don't look alright," she whispered, "you look I'll, are you OK?"  
  
"Polly is a cracker, see," the nodding dog/gingerbread/Popsicle man agreed and nodded, "MWAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
"STAY OUT OF THIS!!!" Swallow yelled and exploded. The nodding dog/gingerbread/Popsicle man nodded. 


	9. Moo cow

"Moomoomoo" said the cow at Obernewtyn. 


	10. Loser Rushton and his mad guardian angel

"Oom oom oom!!!" Rushton howled to the moon. Suddenly something fell on his head. It was a nodding dog. Wow.  
  
The nodding dog danced on Its tippitoes and nodded. "Nod-a-nod nod-a-nod".  
  
Noddy! He had a bright red car. He sat on the dashboard and fell into the driver's seat singing 'Noddy!'.  
  
"Ahhhh!" Rushton said, "I love Noddy, can I have your autograph?" and the nodding dog/ noddy nodded.  
  
It wasn't actually Noddy but a radio that happened to be playing Noddy.  
  
"Why don't you talk to me Noddy? I love you".  
  
The nodding dog/Noddy/radio started to sing 'Teletubbies!'.  
  
"Noooooo!!!! Why have you joined with the evil ones Noddy?!? I must smash you to pieces.  
  
The pieces of radio turned into goo. "Yummy!" Rushton said, mouth full of pieces of goo.  
  
"NO!NO! Rummy-poo, you'll get fat!" his guardian angel appeared, Maruman.  
  
A shaft of light floated down and heavenly singing began singing.  
  
"NONONONO" Maruman tried to hide his inner confusion and did not succeed. He exploded with a magic mushroom cloud. The fumes made Rushton high. Oh dear....  
  
"Going Down!" Rushton groaned, "I am a loser, I have no talent, I whine a lot. Please put me out of my misery. Kill me! Or put me in a mental institution..  
  
The realisation that he was a complete loser, madman and girl hit him-ow! Everyone else said "FINALLY!!!"  
  
Elspeth heard and said "Did I get that on tape??? Wait who am I??? Where did I come from???"  
  
Suddenly some strange pieces of goo on the ground turned into Mrs Bishop (our PD teacher). "Well," she said, "when a guy gets with a girl..." Elspeth listened for a while and then when Mrs Bishop tried to show the 'Where Did I Come From' tape she ran away.  
  
She had run away because she didn't understand. "What are those cats doing???" she wondered. She and Rushton had never experienced this closeness. The closest and most intimate they had got was Rushton touching her hand while passing her a rock. Wow. That is sooooo third base..  
  
"November is the season of mud and lollipops. Or muddy lollipops. The leprechauns like to fly on wonky seesaws." Rushton babbled, high from the magic mushroom fumes.  
  
He snapped out of it- ow! His back had become a triangle- /_\ Oh no! he turned into a girl!! But he already was one...how strange.. He fingered his new dress and felt like dancing. He went back to Elspeth.  
  
  
  
"Deary, can you tell me how to dress like a girl and use makeup?  
  
"No. I am a man."  
  
They noticed each other properly for the first time.  
  
"Wow. Your hot!" Elspeth cried (literally).  
  
Well in my dreams anyway..  
  
What really happened was...  
  
Rushton was still high. His back had turned into a different kind of triangle- | He was a guy with a chest! No wait, we are still in Chloe's dream. Back to reality.  
  
"Ow that really hurt my feelings..oops I mean my feelers...." Chloe moaned. 


	11. ARIEL THE DESTROYER

Rushton sat alone on a rock. "I am a loser." Rushton was on a low after being high.  
  
"If only I was crusty, Chloe would like me more," he thought.  
  
Elspeth used her hair to whip the monkey.  
  
The monkey.  
  
"GERMAN EXCURSION!!!" Elspeth yelled.  
  
OK, never mind that. Elspeth came back for a second. Then left.  
  
Then she came back for a minute and 53 seconds.  
  
"Rushton where are you?"  
  
Maryon came rushing in.  
  
"Elspeth. I've just talked to a bird..said it knew you...anyway it told me that if you don't hit your head with a rock before the days of rain, you will DIE!! Just thought you'd like to know.." She yelled  
  
"AHHH!! She looked outside and it looked like it was going to rain!!! She lowered her head and charged into the rock wall, BOOM and went through.  
  
THERE STOOD ARIEL THE DESTROYER.  
  
He was eating a strawberry. "Yummy" he said, "Oh! Hello Elspeth! Are you my friend? I'm sorry, I forgot to offer you a strawberry. There have one." He was smiling too much.  
  
"Stop smiling!" Elspeth said and grabbed a strawberry and gnawed on it.  
  
"MWAHAHAHAHAH! The strawberry was POISONED! You will now turn into a beaver!"  
  
Elspeth felt herself shrinking and her teeth growing. For a minute she looked like Hermione.  
  
"Hello, I am Hermione the Beaver."  
  
"Mummy, where are you?" Ariel cried criedly.  
  
"Ahhh. My minute and 53 seconds is up. See you in he.. see you in the longsleep. Goodbye!" and she hopped away (she had turned back into Elspeth). 


	12. Rushton in the rushes

Rushton was hiding in the rushes. In his mind he was little red riding hood hiding from the wolf (Maruman) and trying to find his grandmother/father (Elspeth). The wind in the rushes was making a noise- "Russshton. Russshton." THE RUSHES ARE TALKING TO ME!!! I must try to communicate Rushton thought.  
  
"Moooo. Mooooo." He whispered to them. The cow at Obernewtyn answered:  
  
"moo moo moo moo moo moo moo MOO" and exploded. Bits of cow showered over Rushton.  
  
"I am being blessed!" he cried. "This is the best shower I've had in a while.." And he stripped off his clothes and scrubbed himself with some rushes...  
  
Elspeth came and turned into an evil teacher and sang a little song about school rules. I will not write the whole song because you might become...uninterested..but here is an example:  
  
Students are expected to arrive at school and each lesson punctually, prepared to work in cooperation with others.  
  
Students are expected to be courteous and considerate to each other, teachers and School Administrative Support staff at all times.  
  
All students are responsible for keeping the school clean and free of litter.  
  
You get the point....  
  
"Oh that's wonderful," Rushton yelled sarcastically. He then fell down a hole.  
  
"Big hole!" he said. "Bigger than Canberra!!" he was impressed.  
  
Rushton was a small box. "Hooroo!" he cried and rolled away.  
  
"Ahhhh!" yelled evil teacher/Elspeth who was inside the box.  
  
"WHAT'S IN THE BOX??" yelled the box.  
  
Rushton the box sat alone on a rock.  
  
"Oh Elspeth, my love!" he cried as he desperately grabbed at his box-throat to rescue evil teacher/Elspeth.  
  
Evil teacher/Elspeth burst out of his box-throat.  
  
"I think I deserve a sustained effort/improvement award," said evil teacher/Elspeth.  
  
"What about me?" said Rushton the box, grabbing at evil teacher/Elspeth's matted hair.  
  
"No, you're not smart enough." "But you don't need to be smart to get one of those awards!" Rushton complained.  
  
Ariel said "YOU SUCK!" (don't ask).  
  
Groan, moan, punch, hit. Groan, moan, punch, hit.  
  
"Aaaargh, strawberries!" cried evil teacher/Elspeth. "This is a formal assembly! Rushton, remove yourself!!"  
  
"ok..." Rushton floated off.  
  
Elspeth/evil teacher was having a bad hair day. She was wearing matted, curly bunches.  
  
"Aargh! Barnacles!" she yelled. She switched back suddenly.  
  
"NOW GIRLS!!! I am morbid! Today three people were run over by a bus. You should ALWAYS move for the bus! It does not want to wait for you as you skip across the road!" she shuddered. "A bus driver wrote a letter to me telling me that there were girls who were ruining their school reputation. He would like me to remind you that you must take into account the REST of the public who would LIKE to walk across the road with NOONE to stop them. AARGH! I AM ANGRY!!"  
  
And guess what? She exploded.  
  
"Ding Dong the witch is dead!"  
  
Hey noone dies here, they just explode.  
  
"Ding Dong the witch blew up!"  
  
Fuck it all, where's the next chapter? 


	13. Swallow swallows

Swallow swallowed a swallowing swallow while a swallowed swallow swiftly swallowed. 


End file.
